


Crazy Jailbird

by Allheroeswearhats



Category: One Piece
Genre: Friendship, Gen, Nakama, Nakamaship, Zoro man, get it together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-03-12 08:15:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29007417
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allheroeswearhats/pseuds/Allheroeswearhats
Summary: Zoro winds up in jail and Sanji enjoys the situation a bit too much
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	Crazy Jailbird

"You do realise this is hilarious, don't you?"

"Fuck off."

"No, seriously." Sanji tilted his head back and blew smoke up onto the low vaulted ceiling above him. "This is seriously fucking funny." The wall he was lent against was slightly slimy and he stepped forward slightly, cringing at how damp his suit now felt.

"I'm going to rip your mouth off, arsehole, if you keep talking."

Sanji snickered and glanced behind him at Zoro, who was shrouded in the dark shadows of his cell doing his very best to avoid being seen.

It wasn't working.

"Have fun with that; being behind bars and all."

"I really hate you, you shitty cook."

"Love you too, honey bunch."

"Just get me the fuck out of here!" Zoro finally stood and angrily strode forwards to grip the bars. The metal was something they hadn't encountered before, it was far too strong to break with even his hands, but Zoro reckoned his swords should cut through it easily enough. If only the fucking hillbilly police of this backwards shitty little island hadn't taken them away from him.

"Ah ah ah." Sanji waggled his finger, smirking gleefully at Zoro's increased look of outrage, and stamped out the last remains of his cigarette. "I think you really need to stay in here a bit longer and stew over what a bad boy you've been today."

"I didn't fucking do anything and you know it!"

"That's not what the Sheriff says."

"Fuck the Sherriff!"

"That's not what the town says."

"Fuck the town! And fuck your fucking stupid eyebrow too. You're such a useless idiot."

"Says the one who was jailed for being mistaken for the town's ugly, mentally deranged drunkard! The fact that you got caught and dragged here by people without guns or even drugs is funny enough."

"I wasn't paying attention." Zoro huffed; suddenly looking extremely disappointed with himself he rubbed the back of his head and winced at the bump his hand found. "I was just walking down this road back to find the local tavern when this fat bastard just walked past before hitting me from behind."

Sanji had no sympathy whatsoever. "You didn't realise the tavern was in the other direction, did you."

"What, now you're blaming me for them moving the town around? Is your curly facial hair swirling up all your brain cells?"

Sanji stared incredulously at him and then laughed. "Are you fucking serious? Are you sure that mossy green stump you call a head is actually yours, or did you fucking lose that along with any shred of navigation you once had!?"

"Don't blame this on me, it's not my goddamned fault they mistook me for some lunatic!"

"Not much to mistake there, is there really." Sanji sneered at him scathingly from behind the safety of the bars. Though not safe enough, obviously.

Before Sanji could do anything, Zoro had reached out and grabbed Sanji's legs, pulling him to the ground and smashing his face into the concrete flooring. He then proceeded to pull Sanji into his cell in quick, powerful jolts, smacking his feet and shins into the bars. With a roar of anger Sanji tried to kick himself free whilst also aiming rather accurately for Zoro's face.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON DOWN THERE!"

The harsh slamming of a very heavy iron door broke them apart and Sanji quickly scrambled to his feet, hastily fixing himself as he did so.

"Nothing Sheriff, you know how old Crazy Joe here gets sometimes."

"Who the fuck are you again?"

"His…brother's wife's…cousin." Swiftly, he tacked on; "I'm no blood relation at all. Just to be clear."

Zoro started mumbling curses under his breath, probably not very nice things about Sanji or his eyebrow, so Sanji gave a sharp kick to the bars to shut him up before any authority figure heard.

"I honestly don't really give a crap, nancy boy-"

Zoro laughed. He got another kick.

"-but are you going to pay for his bail or not?"

"Ah, of course I am, I just wanted to take a good hard look at him first, just so I was certain it was him. I don't want to pay out any of my hard earned money on any old lowlife."

The Sheriff waved his hand to dismiss the officers lingering worriedly behind him and limped slowly down the stairs. Approaching Sanji, he stuck out his hand in which Sanji reluctantly placed the bail money.

"You sure you can lock him up someplace safer than the last place we put him?"

Sanji gave a lazy nod and took the key the older man offered. "Sure sure; I can promise you now you won't ever see this one again."

The Sheriff glared at Zoro who had emerged from the cramped cell and was stretching his arms. "As long as you're sure. We've had a lot of trouble with this one over the years."

"Oh trust me, so have we." Sanji gave a very theatrical sigh and handed back the key, ignoring the very murderous look in his crewmate's eye.

"Where have you put my swords." Zoro grunted, barely acknowledging anyone for longer than he had to.

"We can't allow mental patients, especially ones like him, to ha-"

"No! Of course you can't, we know that. They're mine, we figure he went to my house from the institution and grabbed them off my wall. I won't let him have them." Sanji quickly interjected, seeing Zoro's face darken to an almost lovely shade of puce.

"Well…" The sheriff looked uneasy. Zoro clenched his hands into fist and would've made a break for it, destroying all in his way if Sanji hadn't stepped heavily on his foot to warn him to be quiet and not to move or murder. Zoro had been recognised for an escaped mental patient, not a dangerous criminal with a hefty bounty on his head, and it was important it remained that way. Sanji knew the ship wasn't ready to leave port yet; they'd only just docked and everyone was tired. They needed to play it safe this time and give everyone more time to pack and stock up. This meant, of course, that Zoro murdering police officials was very much out of the question.

"Please, I'd really like them back if it's not too much trouble; they're family heirlooms you see. I know a way of sedating him as I take him home; it's not going to be any trouble."

Sanji held his breath, he knew Zoro being denied his swords for definite would lead to their cover being blown once and for all, and Nami would kill him if they had to leave without her being able to go shopping properly first.

"I suppose I could… make sure you take him straight out of the town though, you hear? I don't want 'that' wandering about and scaring the residents near to death." The Sherriff gave a nod to one of the officials still hovering at the top of the stairs, who left and a few seconds later returned with Zoro's possessions, before trotting down the stairs and warily handing them to Sanji.

Sanji gave a quick grin, secured the katanas to his belt and took Zoro's arm, giving it a quick, patronising pat. "Well then, with that I think we'll be off. Thank you for finding him officers."

They left quickly, the Sheriff's 'no problem' barely reaching their ears. Pushing Zoro out of the police station first, Sanji squinted at the bright sunlight as it hit his eye and caught a glimpse of the evil look the other was giving him.

"Stop glaring shit-for-brains, no weapons till we get to the Sunny, wouldn't want a wack-job like you carrying anything pointy now, do we?"

Zoro growled. "I'm actually going to kill you when we get back." His look was thunderous.

"It won't stop everyone knowing, I told Usopp what had happened before I left."

* * *

Nami was not very pleased to pick them out of jail later on that day (far too menial a thing to pay money for); apparently brawling in the middle of the high-street with an infamously renowned mental patient is frowned upon rather harshly in that particular society.

Who knew.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello there,
> 
> This piece was part of a collection I had on FFnet called 'Just Another Day' added around 2014. I particularly liked this one and thought it deserved to be on AO3, where my better works are kept.
> 
> It is, however, unedited and has been kept how it was originally written, which is to say that I'm aware it's not the best it can be haha
> 
> Hope you enjoyed, and thanks for reading!


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